2018 Week 15 Stamina

I was going to say that a trait I have had most of my life is not quitting… but quickly the memories of college and my father come pouring back to me. You see… I did not finish college. I think from that realm I hear voices, were they really from my father or were they figments of my imagination?… that I never finish anything I start. My parents, after they divorced and sold our house, set aside money in trust funds for me and my sister to go to college. After 2 years at Plattsburgh State, I got my elective credits done and then I needed to decide… I needed to make a decision about what I was going to major in. I only had enough money for two more years so I couldn’t ‘waste’ a semester while trying to figure it out. And that’s about as far back as I can remember to beat myself up about not being able to make a decision. So I took the year off to decide WHAT… DO… I… WANT…
That was 40 years ago. What’s changed? Me I’m so aware of what I was not aware of back then. God did not put in me the ability to make the right decision every time, but He did put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right! Where was this awareness 40 years ago? Why did I not know this? Was I not ready to know this?
SQUIRREL! I’ve changed. I’ve changed so much these last few years I frequently become overcome with tears and emotions and feelings of gratitude and happiness and just plain amazed at myself and my life. They say that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I’m not anywhere close to where I want to be… yet… but I am so far away from where I was, I LOVE IT! This year has been an even harder struggle for me than the last few years and my driving mindset is that I must be so close to breaking through!!! It’s always darkest before the dawn, right? I can beat myself up for not doing everything that I am suppose to do… or … I can accept the fact that the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be… I choose the latter. I am natures greatest miracle and the flame that burns inside me… well I’m just fanning it until it overtakes everything! I know I am on a journey… MY journey… I do not have a destination and am trying as best as I can to enjoy my journey, my new life… every day being a blessing and a fresh start… a clean slate. I am slowly rebooting myself… shifting the software of my programming per say. I am hanging on to the MasterKey… maybe just by the hair on my chinny chin chin… but because I know in my heart that is what I need to do… but… why is there always a but???… I … wait… I? can generate such turmoil inside me… am I generating all this turmoil??? It’s like there is a huge fight, you know, the one guy on one shoulder… the other guy on the other shoulder…
I am not quitting! I am different now, I am not a quitter. I can do this! I need to do this… my future self is all in my hands now… I can see him looking at me… cheering me on… egging me to do the right thing… listen to my heart… I decide what I want… I decide… I will win! I Believe