2015 Week 4-Confusion

Confusion…lack of clarity…overwhelmed…stuck…not knowing what to do…not wanting to do anything.  I know this place way too well…spent way too much time here.

Living…”sitting” with the question;  “What….. Do…. I…. Want?”
*wind blows*… tumble weeds blowing by…a coyote howls in the background…silence.  I know this place.  I’ve been here many, many, many…have I said many… times before.  I can remember all the way back to high school being asked…and not being able to answer, then college…not being able to answer and “taking a year off to figure it” and never returning to college nor ever figuring “it” out.  There is something stuck…blocking me from hearing my dream that is calling.  I don’t get it.  I become anxious as I hear about so many other ‘classmates’ “getting it”…hearing their dreams…why not me???  What am I doing to ‘block’ what is trying to get through to me???  Am I creating the problem that is blocking the solution?  Relax….I can, and have, gotten myself so worked up over this.  But I want the answer now!!!  It’s a process, I hear the guides calming voices saying…enjoy the journey…relax…smile…be happy and in harmony with the universe as it is exactly the way it should be.  Okay…relaxed again.  Enjoy the journey…enjoy the journey…

This past week I did exactly what I wanted to do: drove to Conn. to visit my wonderful wife and then took a train with her to MD. to visit our son and his girlfriend!!!  Immediate thoughts of happiness… freedom… enjoyment… secondary thoughts of guilt for not doing what I was “suppose to do.”  I also came back upon something that was so amazing to me the first time I saw it that I remember swearing to commit it to my focal point of trying to keep it in perspective with my life…and…as you are probably guessing…forgot about it.  Since starting this journey, I have tried to be very focused on what I really want, and when road blocks got in the way of that…I switched to thinking about what I really do not want.  Hey, I figured if I wasn’t able to figure out what I really want, then maybe focusing on what I really do not want might bring about a different perspective to me…and who knows…that might work.  Becoming stronger with my decision making made me reach out, is making me reach out, for ‘tools’ that would help with that growth.  One such ‘tool’ came in the form of a speech from Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Speech in 2005.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

How powerful is that perspective???  I have already made decisions, and will continue to make decisions, by looking in the mirror at myself…looking at the man in the glass and asking: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”

Here’s the whole commencement speech in case you are curious:

To your journey…made you find exactly what you are looking for.