Something inside me is going on. I feel different, yet the same. Ill, yet not. What is going on? I can’t explain the shift…the shifts…going on inside me. It is alien to me…I am alien to me. I think it’s the new person that I am becoming is being attacked by the old person I was. I think it is referred to as my old blueprint…trying to hang onto the old me…who I am used to….whom I know. I’m so full of emotions…crying, laughing, sorrow, happiness, excited, scared…even sitting still…while on the outside I do not move, it’s like I can feel the processes inside me…breathing, blood flowing, heart beating, thoughts, feelings…there are times I do not know who I am, what is going on, where is me??? Where did I go? Overwhelmed OVERWHELMING….LET ME GO….LET GO OF ME!!!!
I think this all is scaring me…no…this all is scaring me. I step away from what I was doing… what was I doing? Reading..writing…spending time and focusing on me… Trying to let my light shine. I think that honestly horrifies me. Nope…I know it does. It horrifies me… I have been shrinking myself for so long… too long! It’s my light that horrifies me…like that child that catches that first fish and has no idea what to do with it after it’s on the line… What am I pretending not to know? Why am I holding myself back? Why am I so horrified with what I know is going to happen??? What am I so horrified about??? Part of me is so excited and can see the future me…and then there is a part of me that…that…I don’t even know how to explain it…is holding me back…tells me to be grateful for what I have and accept it for being enough….